Oxymoron
by TallerThanThou ShorterThanThou
Summary: Rukia has to hang the most popular boy in the world's most embarrassing pair of boxers on a flagpole to get her promised reward of money. Then of course, there's the hidden meaning in little things, and the oxymoron that is the said boy.
1. The Dare

Shocked beyond human comprehension. Stunned into complete and utter silence. _The _Rukia Kuchiki cannot find a witty response to this one little dare. I have five months to steal Ichigo Kurosaki's most embarrassing pair of boxers and hang it on Seireitei High's flagpole. It's not the fact that I can't do it; I could be remarkably ninja-like when I wanted to be, so sneaking into the aforementioned Kurosaki's house would be no problem. Problems arose when I considered the fact that I had no inkling of where the man lived. Added to the fact that I had absolutely no clue of _where_ he kept his boxers, let alone his most embarrassing pair, it made mission impossible.

For stealing one measly pair of boxers, and possibly seducing the heartthrob of the school, I'd get the ultimate bragging rights and all the cash that Rangiku, Orihime, Tatsuki, Nanao, Nemu, and Momo had scraped together. It was a considerable amount. Losing meant that I'd have to hang _my_ most embarrassing pair of panties on the flagpole. That is, if I chose to take the dare.

Let's see—the ultimate prize, the stakes of being labeled as both a whore and an idiot for loosing. Without thinking, I grabbed Rangiku's outstretched hand and sealed the deal. Tatsuki smirked sadistically and slapped a high five with Momo. Nanao gave me a pitying look and wished me good luck. Nemu seemed to think this was highly amusing, and despite being rather apathetic, she was giggling into her uniform's sleeve. Glaring at them all, I marched off proudly after the flash of orange hair.

It was only after I got on the bus that I realized what I was in for. My friends had dared me to humiliate the most popular guy in the school—no, the universe, and quite possibly, seduce him to do it. At least nothing had gone wrong yet, as the man hadn't yet noticed me boring a hole into his orange head.

Yet.

Maybe Rangiku would be better suited for the task, or even Tatsuki.

By the time I reached Ichigo Kurosaki's home, sweat was pouring the sides of my face. The Kurosakis' house was situated in a very nice location; there was a magnificent garden of crops, a barn in the back, and best of all, wild rabbits were hopping in and out of sight. A sparkling river tore through the forests in the backyard. Entranced, I stepped out from my hiding spot to said river.

My moment was ruined by a loud bark. Oh god. They had a security system. Didn't they know that possible seekers of Ichigo Kurosaki's most embarrassing pair of boxers might have an unreasonable phobia for all things canine? What was worse wasn't the large dog that bounded out of the barn—it was the long shadow that followed the wagging tail.

And then I found myself face to face with my victim-to-be.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

My very rude victim-to-be.

A/N: Yes, yes, _another_ IchiRuki. We have no clue how this popped into our heads. All we knew is that readers of us seem to have a partiality for IchiRuki humor. So yes, this is for the poll on our profile. However, if enough votes get in, we'll do another one.

Parody Thingy:

Ichigo: For compensation, I demand you to translate my name into something cool in Chinese.

Pie and Demon-Pixie currently in translating corner. Please wait…

Pie: 一尺狗

Ichigo: Wow, almost sounds like my real name…

Demon-Pixie: *bursting with laughter* Actually…

Pie: 一 means one, 尺 means foot (as in the measurement), and 狗 means dog.

Ichigo:…

Demon-Pixie: So it literally translates to 'one foot dog'

Pie: I prefer to refer to it as one footed dog

Demon-Pixie: Mucho better than his last name: Kurosaki, other wise known as Kuro-black, saki-blossom.

Pie: One footed dogy black blossom.

Ichigo: THAT IS _NOT_ WHAT MY LAST NAME MEANS! AND YOU GAVE THE WORST TRANSLATION EVER!

That ends it for today, bye! Please leave before the One Footed Dogy Black Blossom kills you in his rage.


	2. The Victim

Dear sister in heaven, what do you do when your hot, jerk-ish, victim discovers you snooping in his backyard, cowering from his security system? I could practically hear Hisana's voice in my head, telling me to lie my dark blue ass off. What a great sister who 'believed in ethical standards, something which you would do well to imitate' quoting Nii-sama.

Oh god. Nii-sama. What was he going to do when he found out the dare I'd taken?

"Well?" Ichigo Kurosaki pressed. I went for the obvious. I pretended insane.

"Well I was looking for Alejandro," I said. In my mind, I prayed he didn't listen to Lady Gaga (the singer who sings Alejandro). It wasn't my fault the name popped into my head.

"Who?" Ichigo asked. When he was confused, he looked like a cute, lost bunny. I added that mental post it sticker to my Get-Ichigo's-Boxers-Plan. The neon green looked out of place in the drab navy. A hot pink crayon, conjured by my mind, colored the poster in. Better, I decided. Apparently, I did a good job on spacing out because Ichigo Kurosaki looked like he was more that ready to believe that Rukia Kuchiki (AKA the girl that's gonna steal his boxers) belongs in an asylum. Something in his facial expression must have set me off because the next thing I knew, I was improvising at an intimidating rate.

"ALEJANDRO IS A FLUFFY PINK CHAPPY THAT PROMISED TO MEET ME HERE TODAY! HE SAID HE'D DATE ME AND THEN HE STOOD ME UP! OH MY GOSH PLEASE DON'T KILL ME MAFIA MEMBER! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! HISANA WILL KILL ME IN HEAVEN! OR IS IT HELL? I THINK IT'S HELL!" I screamed. Come on! It wasn't my fault that my victim looked so creepy. Besides, he's plenty ripped enough to be in the Mafia. So totally. Fo' shizzle. Let's pretend I'm not pretending he's a sexy mofo just so I don't look insane. Got it? Good.

There was a long pause after that impressive paragraph of pointless dialogue. At least, I think it's a paragraph. Suddenly, Ichigo seems to decide that I don't communicate with human beings on a normal frequency, because he chimed in.

"Right. And yesterday, I cheated on the Energizer Bunny by having sexual intercourse with Heathcliff the Llama," he said sarcastically. Think Rukia think! You shall not loose an insult war to anyone!

"I hope you used condoms," I said helpfully. This seemed to be funny to the potential Mafia member because he laughed so hard he fell to the ground. Unfortunately, the ground sloped down into the little river, and Ichigo got a mouthful of mud. Yuck. Remind me not the drink from the river no matter how cute that cottontail bunny by the bank is.

And that was how Rukia Kuchiki ended up in the Kurosaki household, helping Yuzu Kurosaki mope up her older brother and listening to Isshin Kurosaki's random outbursts of joy.

Wow. And I thought the Kuchikis were dysfunctional. As it turned out, I forgot about Hanako too early.

A/N: It's finally up! Wow, this story is so fun to write.

Parody Thingy: An Interview with Rukia

Pie: So Rukia, how do you feel about starring in our newest fan fiction?

Rukia: It's kind of nice, really…

Demon-Pixie: Erm, Rukia, how do you want this story to turn out?

Rukia: *ears turning red*…er…um…*stutter*

Pie: Ohhh, her ears are red!

Demon-Pixie: SHUT UP! HADO—

Pie: (Already started running when Demon-Pixie shouted 'Hado')

Rukia:…ah…what does happen at the end anyways?

Demon-Pixie and Pie: That is for us to know

Pie: and for

Demon-Pixie: you to

Both: FIND OUT LATER!

Pie: much later.


	3. The Family

"Are you alright?" Yuzu asked, concerned.

"Yeah," Karin chimed in. "Wouldn't want Ichi-nii's new girlfriend to die five seconds after meeting us."

New girlfriend? Should I pretend innocence to annoy said man or outright deny? Wait, I think I'm forgetting something. No, I definitely am forgetting something. I was supposed to get his boxers! To do so, I must first have an advanced knowledge of the Kurosaki household and its inhabitants. Pretending innocence it is.

"What the hell do you mean? I just met her today!" Ichigo protested. Damned carrot. You couldn't just let me say my piece and steal your underwear, could you?

"Wow, nice work Ichi-nii. I approve. Just keep her away from Goat-Chin," Karin said.

"Karin!" Yuzu whined.

"What? He is a Goat-Chin!"

And the rest of the conversation continued like that. Oh right, I forgot to tell you _why_ they were worried in the first place. You know Hanako right? Ichigo's dog, I mean. She's a sleek retriever of some kind. The damned dog must have weighed twenty pounds more than me. Yes, I just indirectly admitted to my diminutive stature. Anyways, said dog must have thought I smelled great (strawberry shampoo, mango body wash, what not) because it pounced on me and began licking my face.

Ichigo kindly informed me, the gentleman he is, that I had been an interesting shade of green. I kindly requested him to screw himself. Oops. So much for playing innocent. Karin paused in her argument with Yuzu to stare at me approvingly.

I resisted the urge to bang my head against the bleached white walls of the country house until I was unconscious. Kami, anything to get me away from this insane family! I promise I won't bet with my ridiculous friends again, I'll donate my allowance to charity causes, I'll wear a Susan G. Koman for the cure ribbon everyday—anything to get me out of the situation.

Kami-sama ignored my pathetic pleas and left me to my doom.

Refusing to cower under the Carrot's suspicious glare, I helped myself to their supply of juice boxes. But the disconcerting (haha big word there) amber gaze of my victim-to-be caused my hand to tremble so much I couldn't for the life of me stick the straw in the hole. (Get your minds out of the gutter) Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

"!" I cackled as I stabbed wildly at the innocent juice box. The fight between the twins stopped again as the household and Hanako gaped openmouthed at the battle between the profusely bleeding juice box and the heroic Rukia Kuchiki. My mental eyes viewed the juice box as Ichigo and stabbing him to be getting closer to my prize. Ahahaha money…with you, I'll buy the limited edition Chappy Supreme CD featuring Seaweed Ambassador! An unholy smirk ripped across my face as I fantasized about the disk of plastic swathed in a fluffy pink with cuddly bunnies dancing across the front.

My arm lifted again (believe it or not, I'm actually quite strong) to perforate the Overlord of all Evil—and then I noticed all that remained was a pile of pulpy paper piled in a puddle of apple juice. Inadvertently, my eyebrows twitched as I the realization that my victim was gone sunk in—until I remembered my victim-to-be probably thought of me as an OCD or at the very least, an otaku by now.

"Erm," I stated intelligently, showing of my brilliant IQ score of 150.

"Why in the blazin—"

And the saviour of the day, a middle-aged man with a prominent chin that I suspected to be 'Goat-Chin' burst in with a round kick to Ichigo's face. Too busy snorting to hear what the man said next, I realized too late that he'd asked me a question and had taken my senseless giggles as an affirmative.

In the eyes of Ichigo's dad, I was carrying the firstborn of Ichigo.

Well _damn_.

A/N: Sorry for the long wait! Hope we didn't disappoint.

Parody Thingy:

Rukia: An otaku, really?

Pie: Well, yeah. You're a Chappy otaku, right?

Rukia: You're a manga otaku, right?

Demon-Pixie:…burn

Sorry, we're cutting it short, but we have stuff to do (like go back to bed before we get caught)


	4. The Misunderstanding

"Excuse me?" I said. Except it didn't come out like that. It came out like 'e-e-excuase meh'. Totally unattractive—my chance of success moved down to 1%. Okay, I wasn't being very…helpful towards my goal so I had no right to complain. I scrutinized my clothes. Skinny jeans, jersey, no make-up, no chest.

NO! MY FORTUNE! I must persist—if only for the sake of my precious money! I must! Steeling myself, I smiled as disarmingly as I could (and blast it—the Damned Carrot wasn't affected at all).

"I do believe you've made a mi—"

I seem to be cut off a lot lately, don't I?

"M-M-MA-MASAKI! OUR SON HAS BECOME A FATHER!"

Okay, that was just creepy. First off, I felt bad and all for the poor dude sobbing to a picture of his deceased wife, but really. Maybe that's just who he was, but…

I could give him that much if he hadn't conjured a mental image of my Nii-sama howling Hisana's name to the unforgiving blue sky. I shuddered with both fear and laughter. Oh, if only. The elders would have a hernia (I _still_ have yet to find out what it means) if they saw. And they wouldn't be the only ones. The cherry blossoms in the courtyard would melt, and Senbonzakura, the Seaweed Ambassador plush would fall of his imperial perch on Nii-sama's refrigerator.

Harshly jerked back to reality by a sharp elbow from Ichigo, I did the first thing that popped to mind. I ran.

Which was rather pathetic, actually, because Ichigo caught up with me in three seconds an pulled me back into the room where Isshin was sitting and hissed,

"Set him straight right now, or so help me, I'm going to slaughter you."

So I was faced with two choices; to either play innocent or to clarify the fact I would never AHEM with such a repulsive carrot. Uh, uh, why did I have to regret not paying attention during Rangiku's seduction lessons? Maybe if I played innocent, I'd melt his deep-freeze-strawberry-ice-cream-heart, but maybe he'd think I was a kid. Or if I made an innuendo, he'd think I'm a slut? I glanced around, searching desperately for distractions.

"Oh, look, a distraction!" I screamed, and dragged my arm out of Ichigo's grip. This time, I escaped.

* * *

"YOU DID _WHAT_?" Rangiku, the cause of my plight, sloshed lavender nail-polish all over the newspapers Nanao had placed thoughtfully to protect her comforter. Tatsuki laughed obnoxiously and poked me in the forehead. I slapped the hand away.

"I _said_—"

"No I _head_ what you _said_, but are you mental?" the boy-obsessed member of our clique screeched. Despite being an alto, she somehow sounded remarkably like a banshee.

"Obviously she _is_," Orihime agreed. Oh shucks. Orihime telling you that you're mental…god, I'm a failure. For crying out loud, that girl ate scrambled eggs with sweet bean paste!

"I am _not_!" I said, affronted. Tatsuki snorted rudely, and Nemu again giggled into her sleeves.

"You should have committed his face gags to memory so you could tell me some tips!" Orihime posed, pulling what we all called her monkey face. Okay, so maybe we weren't exactly normal, but that still didn't give the other rejects rights to call me mental! It's because that I'm short, I know it! What racism against midgets…they must pay.

"Orihime, what have I told you about saying that sort of stuff?"

"Uh, not to do it?"

Sighing, Tatsuki patted her 'daughter' on the head. It was always entertaining watching the usually blunt Tatsuki suddenly turn into a faux-mom. Considering how Orihime was an orphan, it was appropriate enough. Then, of course, my moment of hilarity was ruined.

"And don't think you're getting off on this one," Tatsuki said, as if we'd never been interrupted. Momo looked up from texting her boyfriend, who she says has chosen to remain anonymous.

"You gotta _snag_ him," she imparted, sounding remarkably like Rangiku. I snorted snidely.

"Because the extent of my charms, as Rangiku so kindly puts, is a weird mutation of blue and gray eyes, an onion shaped head, mosquito-bite boobs, and no butt. But yes, I can still totally do it."

"Hon, I didn't say _that_! I said that—"

"I'll take you shopping at Victoria's Secret, but the small sizes go fast," we all chimed in, glaring at the said Rangiku.

"Ran, maybe you should give Rukia some lessons," Nanao said. She was positively becoming a chatterbox these days, though most of it was complaining about how her neighbor, Kyoraku Shunsui, liked to fling innuendos at her.

* * *

"Excuse me, but why are you all so…eager to give me your money?"

In the middle of Nanao's room, a chalkboard sat, having been dug up in the basement and then carried up a flight of stairs. For extra effect, a pair of fake glasses sat on Rangiku's nose. A number of techniques were copied down meticulously by the blushing Nemu, who had the neatest handwriting out of all of us. Let's not tell her dad, 'cause he is _scary_. And come on, let's face it. She was terrified of her dad. So for her to go to such lengths to do something he'd definitely ground her for and help me win and consequently, give me money? The thought had never occurred to me before now, but now that it did, it struck hard.

"We're getting revenge for all of us," Tatsuki conceded. My eyebrows twitched sporadically. Why they were only telling me now was going to kill them.

"It's because you're the least conspicuous out of all of us," Nanao explained, pushing her fake glasses up her nose. I shuddered. Nanao had to wear them because her steely eyes could freeze all that looked at them without protective glass. It was a well known truth ever since a bully in fifth grade had knocked them off her nose. But back to the point.

"Really? Then why didn't you tell me to begin with?"

"Because you would never, I mean, Renji?" Rangiku mentioned delicately. I flushed. It was too true.

"And the implications of what we wanted you to do too; we want him ruined. Everyone here has some sort of 'bad blood' with him, if you can call it that. Orihime got rejected in front of the whole school, Rangiku's Gin got beat up, he called Momo stupid, Nemu a robot, and I was friends with him up until the summer, when he started yelling at me," Tatsuki concluded.

"But why me? Why not Rangiku?" I asked.

"Because I can't without killing him," Rangiku said, "and besides. He'd never expect a Kuchiki."

There was an inconclusive silence, the kind that makes your skin crawl. I blinked, already knowing my answer.

"I'll do it."

Dear sister in heaven, what the hell have I done? Have I really just agreed to seduce a Yakuza?

* * *

A/N: Just so you know, this is Bleach, human version. For all those that have figured out what we meant, please PM us, and do NOT spoil. Because, first impressions are often mistaken, haha, a pun on the chapter's name.

Ichigo: I demand a better translation of my name!

The thinking corner:

Pie: 草莓

Demon-Pixie: Nice!

Ichigo:…okay, what now?

Pie: 草莓是个王八蛋。

Demon-Pixie: 他也是个笨蛋。

Ichigo: What did you say, you little brats?

Pie: I can hardly be considered little, seeing as I'm one inch shorter than you. Demon-Pixie on the other hand…

Demon-Pixie: I'm fifteen! Respect your elders!

Pie: Oh, you are?

Translation: from Chinese to English

Pie: Strawberry

Pie: The strawberry is a turtle's egg (meaning bastard, dickhead, ect.)

Demon-Pixie: He is also a fool.


	5. The Preperations Part One

"Nii-sama I'm too sick to go to school..."

Nii-sama looked at me oddly. I silently prayed that he'd never find out I was lying. Meanwhile, I nervously picked at the fake thermometer.

"You may rest for the day."

As for the reason...

* * *

This was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Forget the fact that when I was five, the moment when I painted my face with triple chocolate cake was immortalized in a rhinestone encrusted picture frame on Nii-sama's refrigerator next to a half-way wilted cactus; this topped it. (Yes, the refrigerator returns...it is evil)

"Rukia-chan!" Of course, Keigo would work at Victoria's Secret.

"Hello, Kuchiki-san," Mizuro said. Unfortunately, this meant that his best friend, Mizuro was there too. Ever since that pervert had found out I was one month older than him...but fortunately, since Rangiku was there, that meant that Keigo was focused on her.

"Wah, Rukia-chan!" That was Ochi-sensei. Just my luck; my homeroom TEACHER was there.

"Uh, hi Sensei," I mumbled, trying to hid the hot-pink bra in my hands behind my back. Not to mention it was a push-up one with lace overboard that Rangiku had forced me into. Nemu was giggling again, and Tatsuki was making a bet with Momo about how long it would take until I turned completely red.

Encouraging, thanks a lot.

"I didn't know you needed a bra," Ochi-sensei said. Rangiku's eyes lit up.

"Neither did I! Until we had her measured and discovered that under all those tank tops she wore–"

"WOULD YOU PLEASE NOT BROADCAST MY BRA SIZE TO THE WHOLE ENTIRE MALL THANKS?" I screamed. The whole store turned their heads.

"Continue, please." They kept staring. Damn.

"–she actually has cleavage if she buys a push-up bra! Amazing, isn't it?" Rangiku continued happily. By this point, Nanao was pretending not to know us, and Keigo was the same color as the hot-pink bra that was scrunched in my fist.

"Ran, that's kind of mean," Orihime said. Tatsuki collected her ten dollars. That must mean I was bright red.

"Really? REALLY? YOU JUST EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF HALF OF SEIREITEI HIGH'S FEMALE POPULATION!"

"I-I didn't mean to!" Typical Rangiku.

"What about us?" Keigo whined. I considered it for a moment.

"Mizuro-san might be male. Keigo-san could go either way."

"THAT was mean," Nanao interrupted. I guess she wasn't pretending to not know us anymore. I sighed, pulling out my credit card to pay for the fifteen (yes fifteen) bras that Rangiku had insisted I bought. Ah, the things that I do for Chappy...

* * *

Go on, call me a priss, I dare you. But there was nothing that was going to get me back into that damned high school after half of Seireitei High found out that I wore push up bras...

That is, I wasn't until I was forced to.

* * *

"I'm here!" Momo announced happily. I, on the other hand, was lucky to be alive. Nii-sama had been at work when the horror known as Momo attacked. You'd think that since the rest of my crazed friends weren't present she wouldn't be hard to deal with, right? WRONG! DEAD WRONG! Ever since the mysterious boyfriend had started texting her every second of every day (god I don't want to look at the phone bills), she'd taken a dangerous turn to being a yandere.

"Please Momo-chan? On the account of your bestest friend having such a dangerous fever let her rest?" I summoned my best puppy dog eyes. But it was to no avail; an evil gleam shined in Momo's large eyes. I was doomed. So doomed...so very doomed...

And before I knew it, I was being dragged to school in my very embarrassing, hot pink, cartoon character pajamas.

* * *

A/N: SORRY! WE WERE SO BUSY WITH SCHOOL AND ALL THAT SUMMER CAMP CRAP WE FORGOT ABOUT FANFICTION! But thanks to a lovely review, we had to start writing again. **Sniff **Thank you!

Omake:

Pie: WE'RE ALIVE!

Demon-Pixie: we almost did die though.

Pie: who knew science could be so disgusting?

Demon-Pixie: few free to share your bad science experiences with us, as we plan to select one of the best ones and insert it!

Pie: mwuahahahaha. Anything worse than dissecting frogs is especially encouraged...

Demon-Pixie: *aura* never mention the frogs again...


End file.
